Conversations With God
As I continue to grow into the woman God has created me to be, I find myself sitting in silence a lot trying to make sense of it all. I’m finding that the journey towards living my dreams involves a lot of questioning and reflecting — trying to understand life, why dreams change, and how to get over the next hurdle. I’m finding that there are still a lot of things I just don't understand and most days I can't tell if I’m even meant to understand.
But for all the uncertainty, I’ve found comfort in talking to God.
Did you give me my dream job just to show me that dreams change? Did you give me everything I thought I wanted just to show me that I didn't really want it. Did you give me the salary, the nice office, and the title just to show me that I was searching for fulfillment from material things? Silly me. I should have known that happiness and peace aren't attached to titles, jobs, or possessions.
I’ve been to 5 cities in 3 days and I still can’t out-run myself.
I am terrified that I’ll never understand the meaning of the word “enough.” No matter what I accomplish, how many awards I win, or how much better I seem to get.. I never wake up satisfied. I never go to bed saying “job well done, I’m proud of you.” Instead, I find myself running from one accomplishment to the next one, from one award to the next, from one level up to a better one. I can never just be. I don’t know how to just be — how to marvel in my own magic — how to celebrate the accomplishments in the here and now.
Can you please let me see myself the way you see me?
I want to see myself as the masterpiece you hand crafted before I let this world convince me that I wasn’t even beautiful.
Am I really in love with my solitude or is my alone just safer than being vulnerable with someone else?
Please help me stay compassionate, even when I think someone is undeserving.
I recall all the times I was undeserving of compassion and someone gave it to me anyway.
Please help me choose love, even when people seem pretty damn unlovable.
I remember how unlovable I've been and the ways people chose to love me anyway.
Please help me continue to be kind, even when it goes unnoticed and under-appreciated.
I remember all of the kindness that's been extended to me even when I felt unworthy.
But God, please don't let me be foolish in this.
Do you love me too much to answer some of my prayers?
When we're told to love our enemies, does that include the parts of ourselves that we're at war with too? Does loving your neighbor also mean to love the parts of yourself your afraid to touch too? Does not judging include not shaming yourself too?
I am sorry that I use all of my energy to constantly poke at my imperfections instead of cultivating the talents you’ve gifted me. Do you ever look at me struggling to love myself and cry too?