To All The Men I Promised To Never Write About

To all of the men I promise I’d never write about..
I lied.
This is for you.

i.
It’s too bad we fell in love when we did. You fell for an insecure girl who stopped believing in love. I’ve done a lot of growing since then - I've healed and found my light again. Sometimes I wish you could feel how warm my touch is now. I wish we could meet again and you could fall in love with 26 year old me. She actually believes in love and magic. Her love doesn’t have conditions, her love is fearless, and doesn't run. Her love is patient and honest. Her love isn't fickle, either — and it forgives.

I wish you could meet her - but, it took your broken heart for me to become her and broken hearts don't exactly find homes in the arms that broke them.

 

ii. 
Loving you was like listening to / discovering music for the first time.
Your love changed me.

 

iii. 
You pushed me to be better today than I was yesterday.
You picked me up when my world came crashing.
You challenged me to get better when I thought I was already at my best.
You held me when I tried to run from your love .
You looked into my eyes and saw all of the beauty I was struggling to find. 
You had a way of reminding me that the entire world laughed more because I'm here, just by the way you looked into my eyes.

You were perfect.. so perfect that I know God hand delivered you at my doorstep — I felt like I let him down when I didn’t know how to love you.

 

iv. 
You wanted a woman who was ambitious until that ambition kept her from you.

I am sorry for the times I wasn't around to hold your hand, for the nights you had to fight your demons alone because I just needed 30 more minutes at my desk. I am sorry that "just 30 more minutes" turned into hours. I am so sorry for the times you had to nurse your injuries from this world beating you up alone because I was busy working. I apologize for every morning you woke up alone because I had to get an early start.

I wanted a man with vision until that vision didn't include me.

And I know that you're sorry for all of the lows I had to laugh through alone because you had another deadline that needed your attention. I know you apologize for all of the times you held your awards tighter than you held me - for all of the events you missed due to work - for all of the cold meals I ate alone while waiting for you to get home.

I hope the top is never as cold or lonely as our relationship.

 

v.
I needed to let you go to make room for my soulmate.
You needed to let me go to make room for yours.
It’s nothing personal, we just weren't meant to be.

 

vi.
Part of me still has hope.. hope that you’ll still be the one next to me when all my dreams came true. Hope that our love could still be written in the stars — hope that maybe we had to let each other go so we could find ourselves and that maybe.. just maybe God would bring us back together when we're ready.

i still believe.
.. in you, in love, in us
.

 

vii.
Pt 1.
You promised you’d always be here.
I promised to never write about you.
We are both liars.

Pt 2. I often wonder what we could’ve become if we had been better to each other.

If I had been a little less insecure and you had been slightly more present. If you didn’t have wondering eyes with hands to match and my heart was more open. If we didn’t solve problems by avoiding them. 

 

viii.
Did we really choose each other or were we both just lonely?
Was what we had real or did we just convince ourselves that the memories were better than they were?
Did it really hurt to let go or did we just convince ourselves that our love was actually worth holding onto?
Was what we had really love or was it just convenience?

 

iv. 
You taught me everything I know about how to love without conditions attached.
You taught me that genuine love involves feeding, watering, and exposing someone else's soul to light without needing to see them grow.

And I love you unconditionally.

 

x. 
Whatever you were searching for in her bed sheets, I hope you found it. I hope she was worth it.

storiesJayde Ware