A List Of Things I'm Forgiving Myself For

for·give·ness
/ˌfərˈɡivnəs/
noun
I. the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven

I always thought that forgiveness was such a simple word, for such a complex idea — the very definition itself is short. On paper, forgiveness looks good. It looks easy. It looks comfortable. But, forgiveness in real life is much more complicated. It involves vulnerability, honesty, and a level of love that isn’t always easy to give.

Yet, our whole lives we’re taught to forgive people when they’ve wronged us. We’re taught to forgive when our feelings get hurt, our boundaries get trampled on, and people play with our hearts. But, no one really talks about how learning to forgive other people, could never compare to the art of forgiving yourself. How self forgiveness is messy and quiet and involves accountability.

I spent 20 something years being taught the importance of forgiving other people, but today.. I choose accountability, today I choose to forgive myself.
— for every moment I settled, every time I  failed to see my own brilliance, and every second I forgot how to hold my own hand.

For:

  • serving a diluted version of myself because I was too afraid of being hard to swallow

  • beating myself up for falling short of all the expectations I never even signed up for

  • failing to hold myself as tightly as I’ve held others

  • building forts out of the hearts I broke from walking away

  • choosing accolades over love

  • auditioning for someone’s love

  • shapeshifting, shrinking myself, and contorting my limbs to make space in hearts that I knew had no room for me

  • allowing my fears to make me feel small

  • wasting time being bitter about everything that didn’t work out the way I wanted when I know God never tells me “no” without a better plan in mind

  • trying to make falling apart look sexy, instead of actually healing

  • not being my own soft place to land

  • settling for love I out-grew out of fear I’d never find love again

  • needing someone else to validate my dopeness

  • tying my self worth to a man’s desire to have me

  • holding on to men that clearly didn’t want to be held onto

  • letting someone’s dusty son convince me that I would never be happy without him

  • spending more time planning than actually executing

  • convincing myself I needed to be perfect to worthy of love

  • letting my self doubts convince me to play small

  • pouring everything into everyone else and neglecting myself

  • babysitting people while they destroyed themselves

  • all the times I planted my feet when I needed to move and running when I needed to lean in

  • pushing people away and getting mad that they left

And most importantly, I’m forgiving myself for putting me at the bottom of my ‘to forgive’ list. I should’ve learned to forgive me, first.

dragsJayde Ware