An Open Apology To Myself

Dear self,

I am sorry.

I am sorry that it took me 25 years to even see the need to write this apology to you. So incredibly sorry that I didn't write sooner...sorry that I didn't think you deserved an apology at all until now.

I owe you an apology for the years I spent hating you. For the hours spent looking in the mirror, disgusted with what looked back at me. For the wasted prayers whispered to God to make me beautiful. I owe you an apology for creating a paralyzing fear of making mistakes, for the plethora of "you're not good enough" speeches, and the violent acts of comparison.

You deserve better.

I am sorry that I convinced you that every quirk, every weird habit, every flaw made you unlovable. You do not have flaws; everything God gave you is a gift. Every weird habit has a purpose. Every quirk useful. Every blemish a road map to love. I am sorry that I attached conditions to your worthiness. You are inherently worthy just by existing. I apologize for making it so hard just to be yourself. I apologize for allowing the world to beat you up and then kicking you while you were down instead of nursing your wounds. I apologize for my failure to give you the same grace I extended others. For sending the message that other people could screw up, but you couldn't. I apologize for robbing you of a safe place to screw up, I apologize for depriving you of a soft place to land when your heart shattered, I apologize for denying you the right to just be.

I apologize for trying to love people into loving you..for attaching self worth to how many men wanted you. Who cares that they wanted didn't even want yourself. I am so sorry for building homes out of people instead of cultivating your soul to be your own fortress. I'm sorry for creating dragons out of the hearts I broke thinking they'd help slay my own. I'm sorry for convincing you were afraid of committing to people when you were really too afraid to commit to yourself.

I am sorry for being so cruel to you. Sorry for leaving you in cold hands that didn't even know how to properly hold you...for placing you in arms that labeled you heavy when in reality you were only heavy to the arms that didn't care to hold you. You weren't heavy, the weight of your demons was.

And I am so very sorry I tried to love everything and everyone except for you. I apologize for trying to convince other people to love you — I realize now they were all just surrogates for the love I hungered for most.. yours.

I am sorry that I concealed and hid layers of myself in half assed attempts to be more desirable. I am sorry that I confused being wanted with being valued..that I confused other's desire for me with the feeling of being of yearning myself. I am sorry that it took me 25 years to learn to love you. I apologize for the years I slept on you..for the years I was blind to your greatness. You've been magic all along.

You've been the one I've needed all along.

You've been the answer to all of my prayers all along. You've been the love I've been so desperately craving all along. The light in your eyes is the spark I've been searching for all along. Your genuine laughter is the melody I've been waiting to hear all along.

It has taken me 25 years to learn the true meaning of love. It’s you — you are love.

this love was worth the wait — and this apology was worth the years it took to write.


LettersJayde Ware