Moving, 2017, and Living Freely
2016 was a wild ride for me personally and professionally. I quit a job I hated without a back up plan, I began a self work journey that was more intensive than I imagined, and I began a new job in my first management position. My entire life changed in 2016 and I found a sincere place of peace and happiness..that I never even imagined was possible. So, what's the catch right? What does any of this have to do with moving, 2017, and living freely? Well..the catch is that while everything was aligning for me professionally, the self work I was doing uncovered parts of myself that I tucked away and fears I never planned to acknowledge much less face.
Now before you give me the side eye, let me explain.
When I started my self work, I just wanted to deal with a few insecurities here and here and get a grip on my perfectionism and anxiety. I did not plan on taking a deep look into myself, my life, or how my life experiences shaped my behaviors, patterns, and thought processes. But, the thing about self work is that when you're really healing, you don't exactly get to pick and choose those terms. The themes you need to work on most present themselves no matter how uncomfortable and they don't just go away because you don't like it.
One of the reemerging themes that began haunting me was how I've let fear run my life. You see, I have lived a very cautious life since I was in middle school. I've never really gotten in trouble, never rebelled, never just did something crazy for the hell of it. Everything I've ever done, every move I've ever made has been well thought out, well planned, and had 3-4 back up plans. I do not like the unknown. Not having a plan makes me my most uncomfortable. I love my comfort zone like I love Beyoncé. I have every album, got the Tidal exclusive, know every word to the songs, been to the tour, I live in formation, and if ANYONE had questions..tuh, your edges weren't ready sis. I stanned for my comfort zone the way I stanned for Queen Bey, but I've had to realize that Beyoncé is good for the world..my comfort zone adds nothing to the world.
My comfort zone was robbing me of the life I wanted.
The truth is, when I asked myself what I really wanted for myself and my life, when I shut my eyes and dreamed of my best life..the images I saw were of me exploring new cities, laughing with people I have yet to meet, and spreading light everywhere. When I asked myself about the long list of things I always wanted to do, but never did..fear was the root. It wasn't money, it wasn't people, it wasn't circumstance..the ugly, raw truth is I was too afraid. Afraid of taking big risks, afraid of the unknown, afraid of the life that awaited for me on the other side of fear.
My entire 24 years of life was built on cautious decisions and overthinking.
So, I had a decision to make. Do I keep living a cautious life in my comfort zone of a stable management position, an amazing group of friends, and my family nearby in the city I was raised in? Or do I want to be free? Do I want to be this 24 year old-always has a plan-always plays it safe-woman forever? Or do I want to be free? I chose freedom.
So..I decided at 3 am one December morning that I was packing my things and moving to a new state, a place where I only have 2 friends, a place that my comfort zone couldn't be found in. I had talked about this move for a year while simultaneously talking myself right back out of it. But this time, I was doing it. I've wanted to move to a new city and create a new life since I was 15 and now I'm making that a reality. This is me choosing my freedom. This is me looking my fears in the face, laughing, and marching right through them. I don't have a detailed plan for this, I just have faith and an indescribable feeling of peace.
I'm doing this for me. I am deciding to live freely this year.
And while my fears are packing up and coming with me, they'll be in the backseat this time instead of behind the wheel.
So, here's to 2017. Here's to genuine freedom, here's to acknowledging my fears and carrying on despite them, and here's to new beginnings.
May you have the same courage to look your fears in the face and Cha Cha slide right through them.